HomeNewsPaging Uncle Joey: The Need for Broader Communities of Care
Paging Uncle Joey: The Need for Broader Communities of Care
by Keller Anne Ruble, M.Ed.
Former policy wonk turned entrepreneur. Relentlessly focused on cultivating strong team dynamics aKeller Anne Ruble, MEd, has worn many hats in the early childhood world. She spent several years in the classroom, then served as ICS’s Associate Director of Policy Research where she conducted foundational research on what is now the Palmetto Shared Services Alliance. She has also worked on the philanthropic side of early childhood with Gary Community Ventures in Denver and as a consultant with a tech company working with early childhood centers to ease administrative burdens. Through these experiences, Mrs. Ruble brings a unique perspective to the Fellowship and the many leverage points where policies and practices can improve the system.nd nimble decision making in pursuit of ambitious goals. Self-motivated and a self-starter with excellent oral and written communication skills. Experience in fund development, impact investing, project management, policy analysis, program evaluation, leadership, and strategic thinking, planning and execution. She is now Client Success Manager at BridgeCare.
I’m a married, child-free professional in my mid-thirties who sometimes offers to babysit for my friends with children. Despite their appreciation, my friends are sometimes hesitant to accept. There’s often a tentative, “are you sure you don’t mind?”
I don’t. Playing kitchen, running around the park with them riding piggyback, coloring, and cuddling in front of Bluey brings more joy, light, and laughter into my life. From an academic perspective, I see my role as a fun aunt as an important part of my community. Personally, it’s an extension of the love that exists in my friendships and a role I don’t take lightly.
COMMUNITY IS FOUNDATIONAL TO OUR WELL-BEING
It’s no secret — many parents today feel overwhelmed and like they can’t do it on their own. It’s hard seeing my friends experience this, especially because it has nothing to do with how great they are as a parent. They’re just not supposed to parent all the time without help. But how many parents today understand this?
“It takes a village to raise a child” isn’t just a nice saying – the strength of our community is intricately tied to the quality of our development, health, and well-being.
Despite their importance, our current social structures divorce us from our innate communal needs, and it is making us sicker, more isolated and unhappier. Though the magnitude of this challenge can feel overwhelming, I believe one practical way we can support children, families, and our communities is through our relationships.
THE REALITY OF PARENTHOOD IN AMERICA
Statistically, American parents are far unhappier than non-parents as well as parents in other developed countries, and their happiness can be directly tied to stronger child- and family-related supports.
Meanwhile, American society seems to be lowering its overall tolerance for children. We can see this in the decline of “third spaces” (community locations outside of home and work) local ordinance trends about when teens are allowed in public without adult supervision, and the never-ending discourse about children on planes.
Fellow child and family advocates know all too well how addressing our lack of socialsafetynets can feel like an insurmountable task. I, myself, have felt defeated to the point of retreat.
Lately, though, I’ve found renewed hope through intentional community-building. In the face of such systemic issues, this presents an opportunity to strengthen social ties, supporting children, families, and our greater societal collective.
HOW CAN WE THINK ABOUT COMMUNITIES OF CARE?
We talk a lot in the early childhood community about caregiver-child dyads and the benefits for kids – a stable, reciprocal, and responsive relationship with any caring adult is essential for healthy child development and one of the biggest protective factors to build resilience, especially if a child has experienced adversity.
Child-level benefits are obviously quite important, but what about the benefits parents receive from a wider community of caregivers? Parents today, especially parents of young children, are stretched thin. When was the last time they only had to think about and care for themselves – just themselves – if only for an hour?
There seems to be a general cultural awareness of grandparents caring for grandchildren (even Lesley Stahl has written a book about it!). Despite this, Americans are more mobile than ever, meaning many parents of young children live too far for grandparents to have regular caregiving roles.
It’s time to expand the conversation about family and-fictive kin caregiving: aunts, uncles, and family friends, neighbors, community members having strong bonds or caregiving roles in children’s lives.
OPPORTUNITIES TO BUILD COMMUNITIES OF CARE
So what can we do? We as humans have a long history of broader communities of caregiving. Complex problems require multi-dimensional solutions. Luckily, there are lots of ways to meaningfully cultivate community and support families at the macro- and micro-levels. I’ve rounded up a few examples from policy and everyday life for consideration.
Policy Opportunities – While there are a wide array of policy opportunities that strengthen community ties (ADUs! Pocket parks!), the most directly related example comes from New York’s recent CCAP reimbursement changes. Families receiving childcare subsidies can now pay a friend or family member for caregiving services as a Legally-Exempt Provider, creating economic and social benefits for both the family and the caregiver.
PRACTICAL APPLICATIONS
How Best to Play: Many of us cannot provide regular caregiving services – but there are many other ways to show up for friends if you have the time and means.
Play with their kids in the backyard for a few hours or take them on a walk so the parents can clean the house/get dinner ready/take a bath
Push the stroller for them at the farmers market
Go to the children’s museum together (or offer to take the kids yourself! It is VERY fun.)
Watch Frozen, Raya and the Last Dragon, or [whatever movie their kids can’t get enough of at the moment] with their kids while they enjoy some time on their own because there is no way they can possibly bear to hear it one more time
Send a card with cash inside with instructions to spend it on something to make their life easier – like pay for a sitter so they can go on a date!
Go to their kids’ soccer game with them (I’ve done this, and while it can be a somewhat painful experience as a spectator, it’s also an incredible one. You’ve become an absolute hero to the kid whose game you saw. They will talk about this day forever)
Want to Learn?: Want to learn the science behind and importance of brain development?
Harvard Center on the Developing Child has released tons of short videos and fact sheets in a language we can all understand.
How to best play with kids, talk to them, and strengthen your skills as a positive adult presence?
@CuriousParenting has great suggestions on what to say to kids in various moments
@kids.eat.in.color is a registered dietitian with a judgement-free suggestions to accessible, affordable, healthy, eating at all stages (especially for picky eaters!)
Send this to a friend who loves your kid. Ask them when they’re coming over. Yes, really! How do you want your community to support you? How have people in your circles created communities of care? What efforts have been most helpful to support your parenting and caregiving? If you are an empty nester or don’t have kids: reach out to friends with specific offers of support. The goal here is to reduce their mental and emotional load. Let them know they’ve been on your mind and ask how they are. Make some offers. Be prepared to follow up, as they’ll likely deflect (my best friend once told me, “I would feel so guilty going to the grocery story without paying you to babysit. Your time is valuable, and this is just my job as a parent!” I responded with an equally stubborn, “Can’t this just be part of my job as your friend?”)
